day 364

It’s been a year since I lost my Dad. Today is day 364, the year anniversary of the last time I talked to my Dad, before everything would change and he would be gone. It’s been a difficult process, one that I’ve been working through very slowly. Still, I can’t believe it’s already a year. I hate it.

At first, it was impossible to mention him – even think about him – without breaking down. Now, I find myself a little bit stronger, though results may vary. Our family has even had little moments where we have been able to laugh about his habits we found annoying, and it was so nice in those moments to laugh and appreciate it – to remember him without the tears.

The thing is, I hate the idea that I’m getting used to the fact that he isn’t here anymore. I don’t want to get used to that. And so, the actual year anniversary makes me feel the same way – anything under 365 days wasn’t that long ago… but a whole year. An entire year without him, and so many more ahead. How can that be true?

I find it both odd and beautiful that gratitude and sadness can sit so closely together. Every time I miss him, I immediately feel so grateful for all the memories of him I have, and for knowing I was his daughter.

I don’t have a sufficient closer on this one – there is no graceful exit. As usual, I will choose to share pieces that made me feel and think, so that maybe they make you feel something too.

this, especially, is an amazing, worthwhile read.  How to Get Good at Dealing with Massive Change

It’s so weird when we feel guilty for being happy after loss… but it definitely happens. I’m happy and that makes me really uncomfortable

and just because you need a reminder. The World is More Interesting with you in it

me and dad

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