psa: I don’t have my sh*t together, and prob never will

Actually, I’m not sure if it’s a fair statement to say I don’t have my shit together. Yeah, I’m already backpedaling like the commitment-phobe I am.

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Yes, I know my last post was…half a year ago. Whoops.

Pipe down. A bitch is tired…sometimes most of the time.

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Sidenote – but can we also talk about how redick the Karen memes are? Are those going to die anytime soon? Do you know how frequently I am tagged on all forms of social media on a regular basis??? It was funny the first 5,000 times…

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Why isn’t Patricia a thing? (No offense, Patricia)

Anyway, focus, K. I have worked pretty hard to get the outer corners of my life to resemble something pretty stable for both myself and my child, so I will give myself credit where credit is due. Life is a work in progress, and I have finally realized that I will never feel “finished” – nor should I, right? Every day is a new day, and things change A LOT.

Take, for instance, my job.

A department restructure left me funemployed at the start of summer, luckily with a nice severance package in tow. I didn’t realize it right then, but I was lucky. Lucky because I never would have left – I was burnt out and tired, but I didn’t realize how much of a slump I was really in until I was forced to look at other options open to me. I was only unemployed for about 6 weeks – nothing crazy in the scheme of things. I got a break, enjoyed the summer, and still managed to come out ahead. Like I said, lucky. I don’t take any of that for granted, btw. Lucky is the keyword here.

I think my new motto is: everything is temporary. It’s kind of freeing to accept that.

I started a new job that literally has made me feel like a new person. I only realized I was in a slump once I started feeling as happy and alive as I did after I started this job. Alive. That’s literally the right way to describe it. It checks all the boxes, and to boot I am in an environment where I feel respected and appreciated… and like I/my work makes a difference. Can you ask for anything more than that? Oh, it’s also 15 minutes from my house, goodbye to my long, draining commute. I will say it again – L U C K Y.

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To be honest, the end of this slump feels like an appropriate lift of an emotionally heavy fog that has been with me for awhile. It both saddens me and blows my mind to acknowledge that it’s been nearly 2 years since I lost my father, but here we are. While I know I was out there, going through the motions, the time honestly feels like a blur. This is not to say I am better, or over it. I grapple more and more with the idea that grief is – or should be – a thing that can be defined by an ‘appropriate’ period of time, because it can’t. That is true for losing my father and even relationships as well – where did this idea come from that you should rush to be over something that took up so much space in your heart? I think your resilience muscle grows stronger, but you will always miss someone you have lost. It’s been a slow climb to try to find myself again amidst all that has happened over the past few years, and I finally think I’m seeing pieces I’ve really missed.

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On the other hand, I’ve also been shopping like a motherf’r, so I have to rein the joy in just a tad. That’s one part I don’t need back. A bitch is tired, but she has financial goals.

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FTR, I have struggled with posting here because while my writing has always been personal, more and more I feel uncomfortable with the level of detail I have often shared in the past. Yet, it’s how I also feel most at home and authentically me, so you can see the conundrum. The past few years have been an insane period of growth for me on all levels, some a result of great stuff, some a result of hard stuff. My grief, my happiness… there is a lot to wade through, and not all of it should be public (especially with ghosts all around).  I’ll still be around, but please bear with me while I figure it out.

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Love, K

 

 

 

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